Why is it so difficult to heal?

I ended the party and the guilt is killing me slowly

Why is it so difficult to heal?

I ended the party and the guilt is killing me slowly

Trauma has messed up my thinking. I don't ever feel like anyone's got me forever. It has played out severally and now I am scared to allow further hurt - so I be holding on to my demons for the longest time

Why do I have good people around me (not one or two) yet I feel so alone

It feels like nothing has changed about me in years. I read, I try to work on myself, and I even found passion and purpose on my journey to healing (that's why I write)

After all this while, do I even have to think it still? That if I ever get into any deep shit, I am on my own and no one would offer a hand of help, but then that's the way I feel and it's messed up

My relationships are messy, I cannot sustain a good bond. I feel managed by everyone around me. I allowed myself get used to letting people go. Honestly, I am tired of feeling this way

What if it's all in my head? what if I overthink it all? everyone is healing from something they say but for how long do I walk around with scars unhealed and my head bent above my shoulders? at 29? it's massively crazy!

I digress - I went out with 2 close friends (my roommates of 4 years), one of whom I hadn't seen since 2018 after convocation.

It was one of those link-ups where 3 am was the return home plan only for the party to end 3 hours earlier because someone messed up. Yesterday, that person was me - always messing things up

I feel terrible and I hope, like really hope I heal soon